Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride Completely Whipped Man Crying At Wife’s Funeral Apple today announced iPhone 4S, the most amazing iPhone yet, packed with new features like Apple’s dual-core A5 chip for blazing fast performance and stunning graphics; an 8MP camera with advanced optics; full 1080p HD resolution video recording; and Siri, an intelligent assistant that helps you get things done just by asking. iPhone 4S also ships with iOS 5 — the world’s most advanced mobile operating system, with over 200 new features — and iCloud. Apple announced that GarageBand, its breakthrough music creation app, is now available for iPhone and iPod touch. Introduced earlier this year on iPad, GarageBand uses Apple’s Multi-Touch interface to make it easy for anyone to create and record their own songs, even if they’ve never played an instrument before. GarageBand 1.1 for iPad, iPhone, and iPod touch is available on the App Store for $4.99 (US) to new users, or as a free update for existing GarageBand for iPad customers. Apple today announced iBooks 2 for iPad, featuring iBooks textbooks, an entirely new kind of textbook that’s dynamic, engaging, and truly interactive. iBooks textbooks offer iPad users gorgeous, full-screen textbooks with interactive animations, diagrams, photos, videos, and unrivaled navigation. Leading education services companies including Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, McGraw-Hill, and Pearson will deliver educational titles on the iBookstore, with most priced at $14.99 or less. And with the new iBooks Author, anyone with a Mac can create iBooks textbooks and publish them to Apple’s iBookstore. Starting today, iBooks 2 is available free from the App Store and iBooks Author is available free from the Mac App Store BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last ... Talking Trash The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress. Apple today released Final Cut Pro X version 10.0.3, a significant update to its revolutionary professional video editing application. Version 10.0.3 introduces Multicam Editing, which automatically syncs up to 64 angles of video and photos; advanced chroma keying for handling complex adjustments right in the app; and enhanced XML for a richer interchange with third-party apps and plug-ins that support the fast growing Final Cut Pro X ecosystem. It also includes a beta version of Broadcast Monitoring that supports Thunderbolt devices as well as PCIe cards. Final Cut Pro X version 10.0.3 is available from the Mac App Store for $299.99 (US) to new users, or as a free update for existing Final Cut Pro X customers. Apple today announced an all-new iTunes U app, giving educators and students everything they need on their iPad, iPhone, and iPod touch to teach and take entire courses. The all-new iTunes U app lets teachers create and manage courses — including essential components such as lectures, assignments, books, quizzes, and syllabuses — and offer them to millions of iOS users around the world. The app also gives iOS users access to the world’s largest catalog of free educational content from top universities including Cambridge, Duke, Harvard, Oxford and Stanford. And starting today, any K-12 school district can offer full courses through the iTunes U app. TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c... Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign Vogue’s “Need It Now” column features the new Cards from Apple, which lets users create and mail beautifully crafted cards personalized with their own text and photos from their iPhone or iPod touch. Each card is just $2.99 when sent within the U.S. and $4.99 when sent to or from anywhere else — postage included. Vogue calls the Cards app “nothing short of genius” for reviving the almost forgotten pleasure of receiving a “real, honest-to-goodness paper greeting card in the mail” and concludes: “This is the kind of vintage innovation we would all do well to download.” Reviewing iPhone 4S at TechCrunch, columnist MG Siegler finds much to like, including its faster speed, improved camera, iOS 5 with Notification Center, and Siri, which he calls “the true killer feature of the device.” He adds: “The iPhone 4 was a great product. The best smartphone ever made. Now it cedes that title to the iPhone 4S.” New York Times columnist David Pogue reports on AssistiveTouch, an “amazingly thoughtful” iOS 5 feature that makes it possible to complete Multi-Touch gestures using one finger or a stylus. Writes Pogue: “I doubt that people with severe motor control challenges represent a financially significant number of the iPhone’s millions of customers. But somebody at Apple took them seriously enough to write a complete, elegant and thoughtful feature that takes down most of the barriers to using an app phone.” An appeals court ruled on Monday that Alberto Contador, a three-time winner of the Tour de France, used a performance-enhancing drug when he won the race in 2010. HOUSTON—Marking a momentous leap forward in humankind's understanding of the universe, NASA scientists announced today they had received a radio transmission confirming the existence of intelligent, extremely condescending life in a galaxy nearly 13... Apple today announced that iPhone 4S will be available in China and 21 additional countries on Friday, January 13. iPhone 4S features Apple’s dual-core A5 chip for fast performance and stunning graphics; an all-new 8-megapixel camera with advanced optics; full 1080p HD-resolution video recording; and Siri, an intelligent assistant that helps you get things done just by asking. “Customer response to our products in China has been off the charts,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “With the launch in China next week, iPhone 4S will be available in over 90 countries, making this our fastest iPhone rollout ever.” The United States Constitution was once a model for charters around the world, but its influence is waning, according to a new study. Apple today announced financial results for its fiscal 2011 fourth quarter ended September 24, 2011. The Company posted quarterly revenue of $28.27 billion and quarterly net profit of $6.62 billion, or $7.05 per diluted share. These results compare to revenue of $20.34 billion and net quarterly profit of $4.31 billion, or $4.64 per diluted share, in the year-ago quarter. Gross margin was 40.3 percent compared to 36.9 percent in the year-ago quarter. International sales accounted for 63 percent of the quarter’s revenue. Wired Magazine reports that Newsstand, a new feature of iOS 5, is “hitting it big with traditional media publishers thanks to its windfall delivery of new digital subscriptions.” Newsstand keeps all app subscriptions for newspapers, magazines, and journals in one convenient place on the iOS 5 home screen and makes it easy to shop for new reading material. Wired cites Conde Nast and The New York Times among publishers seeing large spikes in app subscriptions since Newsstand launched.